Got a toothbrush?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
