You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
