I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
