Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
