If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
