I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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