I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
