I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
