dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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