I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
