Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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