God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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