What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
you had me at cake vodka
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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