I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
