"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
