im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
