Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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