I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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