I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
