Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He passed out mid-signature
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
