I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
