Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
