you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
