I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
