i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
