someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
