i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
