Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
