dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
be right there i have to get my cape
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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