Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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