We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Randomize
