Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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