Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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