i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
