I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
