Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
