I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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