She is in my trunk
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
