Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
