he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
