yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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