I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
