Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
