She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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