I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
