I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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