Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
