So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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