Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
