if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
