Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
